Why have we started answering the question “How are you?” by saying “Busy”?
Do you ever feel pressure to get things done? Be productive? Be efficient? Be doing something, anything? I often feel these things. It’s hard for me to sit and do nothing. I feel like I’m being lazy. Even if I have half a day where I am not getting things done it puts me in a mood. I get down on myself and start to beat myself up. I start saying things like, “I need to get going. I need to get things done. I need to stop just sitting around.”
A couple weeks ago I had a day like this. It really affected my mood and I wrestled with God all day. At the end of it I didn’t have this big revelation or some come to Jesus moment. I honestly just sat in struggle all day. I really wanted to share this because if this happens to you it is important to me that you know that you’re not alone.
This is what I wrote in my journal that day:
“Today has been kinda bleh. There’s been a lot of reminding myself that my worth, value, and fact that I’m loved doesn’t come from how productive or efficient I am. I still feel like it’s something I understand in my head but don’t fully believe in my heart.
I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to get it. I’m loved without doing anything. I’m loved more than I can understand even if I just lay in bed all day. I’m loved cause that’s who God is. He created me to be loved and it’s okay to have days where I just sit in that. I’ve repeated “I’m loved. I’m loved. I’m loved.” to myself all day, not because I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown but just because I feel bleh and like I don’t truly believe it if I’m not being productive.
I need to get the truth to settle deep down that I am so emphatically loved. I am so unequivocally loved. I am so undoubtedly, assuredly, and entirely loved no matter what. No matter how I perform in life or because of anything I do. Period. End of story.”
And that’s where I left it going to sleep that night. No better at accepting God’s love than when I woke up.This isn’t something I sit in everyday but I will have a day like this every once in a while. I also don’t think this is something I am going to get good at in one day. So here I am, my brokenness laid out on the table for you to see. I know I’m not the only one. I just want you to know that you aren’t alone either.
If this is you here’s a song for you: “How To Be Yours” by Chris Renzema
Sounds like you have figured it out!! Some people believe the hope of heaven is based on how hard they work. So sad because no one knows when they have done enough. Praise God for grace!
Also know you are always unconditionally loved so very much by me!
Katie girl, I am so excited to see how God is going to cultivate the heart and the gifts He has given you….I will be praying everyday and look forward to reading your blogs. Love you and God bless you and keep you close.