Many of you who know me know that I am not musically talented whatsoever. It’s just not who God created me to be and I’ve always been okay with that. I have other gifts and talents! But in the past several weeks God has been asking me to do things like lead worship and play an instrument in front of my entire squad. What? That’s right! Growth is happening, people!!
So to catch you up with where we’re at, let me give you a little backstory. My whole life my whole family has made fun of me for my singing voice (with reason. It’s not great). I think that this played huge part in me not really wanting to sing out in worship in church settings when I was younger. I didn’t want people to hear me. However, I got over that years ago. I know that the quality of my voice has no effect on my ability to worship God.
Even after all of this, worship through music is really not a great way for me to connect my heart to God. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me because of this. In the past couple of years I’ve realized that not everyone has to worship through music. Worship isn’t singing. Worship is connecting your heart to God’s heart and praising Him for who He is and what He has done. This can be done in SO MANY different ways. For me spending time in scripture, nature, and praying are so much easier and more fun for me than singing will ever be.
So that is where I was before these next three events transpired. God is asking me to do things I never thought he would. When I don’t obey Him it sits heavy on my heart and when I do it is amazingly beautiful.
The first thing He asked me to do was lead our squad worship session on Easter Sunday in Bangkok. That’s right. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Me, a girl who has never led any kind of worship anything in her life, LEADING EASTER SUNDAY WORSHIP. Holy cow. Yeah, that happened. But because I am so unmusical I led it a bit differently. I led it the way I connect to God and worship Him best, through scripture. I read a lot from the word of God and the story of Jesus. I started in the Garden of Gethsemane and went until He rose from the grave, pausing every once in a while to give some of my own insight or play a song or spoken word that fit well. I cried. I punched the air. I yelled, and cried some more. Needless to say it wasn’t your typical worship session but God was definitely there and moving. I got to see members of my squad worship the Lord in ways they might not have before and it was absolutely beautiful. It was honestly kind of scary for me but the feeling you get when you step past something scary in obedience to God is unlike any other and so incredible.
The next thing he asked me to do was for some reason even scarier for me. We were staying a week in Phuket before leaving Thailand. I went out to the beach at 6am with some of my teammates because, if you remember, one of the ways I connect to and worship God is through nature. So I was standing there with the waves hitting my feet and and my headphones playing worship music and I just felt God wanting me to sing to him but I was so full of fear of what the other people on the beach were going to think of me that I didn’t. Why did I care about them so much? Who knows? It honestly logically didn’t make sense. The explanation that I have for it is that Satan hates when we praise the Lord. He knew that putting fear in me was how he was going to be successful in making me disobedient. And I was. I played this same song (Death was Arrested) over and over again trying to muster up the courage to sing out to the Lord. I never did. I left that beach feeling so defeated and upset with myself that I let the fear of man keep me from praising my savior with absolutely everything I had in me.
That whole day I was asking God to give me another chance and to give me the courage to be obedient when He did give me that chance. (This is something I do often when I’m disobedient to God and he almost always has given me another chance to obey Him in the same way. Thanks for being a God of second chances. Wow.) So, of course, He gave me a second chance that same night. Our team went out to the beach to do a worship session and I sat on a blanket with my teammate Jordan singing along with her guitar, knowing that wasn’t what God wanted from me in that moment. I sat there looking at all the people on the beach trying to figure out if I could wait until some of them left. Haha. Obviously still full of the fear of man.
This went on until I saw my teammate Meme get up, grab her headphones, and head down to the ocean to do exactly what God was asking me to do. Like a toddler I said in my head, “FINE!!” and got up and went down to the water edge with my headphones. For the first couple of songs I was still very aware of the people behind me that could hear me. I decided to close my eyes as I stood ankle deep in the water, facing the Indian Ocean and that made it a ton better. I could actually at that point just sing to God and by the end of the third song (which was, you guessed it, Death was Arrested) I was pretty much yelling at the top of my voice and literally crying to the Lord, praising His name. I felt so free and I was so overcome by the love, power, and beauty of this crazy amazing God we serve.
By the time God presented this third thing to me I was not surprised. My squad mentor opened up one of our worship sessions at debrief a few days ago to anyone who played an instrument. We had many of our squad members bring guitars and the place we were staying actually had a piano. There were so many people who did a couple songs each at this worship session. You may be thinking, “Katie, I didn’t know you played an instrument?” Well, I don’t. Not really anyways. I got a harmonica in my stocking at Christmas and I’ve been practicing every month but it’s certainly not anything impressive. When the idea was presented I thought about it and asked God, “Is this something you’re asking me to do?” His answer to me was not yes or no but instead, “It’s up to you.” He was giving me the option. It wouldn’t be disobedient if I decided not to lead a song at this worship session but I could if I wanted to. I realized that I LOVED the past two times I worshiped God in a more musical setting and that if I had the option to possibly be a part of something that God could use why would I choose to not do that thing? So I led a worship song with my whole squad with my harmonica. It was terrible and I messed up so many times but I had several members of my squad tell me how much they appreciated it afterwards. And I really did have fun!
Music is not my thing. Seriously. But God is showing me what it looks like to be so unmusical and still impact people through music. You may be a phenomenal singer or some kind of magician with an instrument. That’s great! That will never be me and I’m okay with that. But what does it look like for you to not only be obedient in the things God has gifted you in but also be obedient in the things you’re terrible at? What does it look like for you be obedient in EVERY aspect of your life? I say this like it’s something new but God has been asking this of us the whole time. He’s been asking us to give our whole selves over to Him. Just like Moses was not a great speaker but God asked him to do that anyways, what’s something you might not be great at? Would you be willing to let God use you in that way if He decides He wants to? I have been taken to new depths in my relationship with God because of the ways I have been obedient recently. Letting God take me where he wants to has been a wild ride and all I had to do was get on board.
I hope and pray you don’t feel that I made fun and laughed at your singing. I received so much joy listening to all the hours of riding in the car with you singing!
I love music and praising in song so much that I named a daughter; your mother Melody. BUT I hope you were never discouraged by my words or actions. I love you too much to ever discount the wonderful person you are. I am so proud of all God is doing in you!!
Thanks Katie!….this really made me think about always staying in the familiar lane with my service to The Lord. Am I willing to even do what’s very difficult for me to serve as well??